THE year, 2011

It is the eve of the most anticipated New Year of any New Year I’ve ever anticipated! The year will be 2011. This is my lucky year, made of my lucky numbers, and on my birthday I will possibly faint from overwhelming luckiness! 02.11.2011. I’m so excited.

I’m setting no specific expectations, only knowing that this will be a fantastic year full of dreams come true. Ahh. Happiness has swallowed me whole. I am in the belly of bliss.

Here’s one example of the power of the numbers 2 and 11 in my life. When Nick took me to Monterey, CA for a trip and a tournament, he took me to a spot near the Ghost Tree and we found a rock with room for two and watched the sun set. Everyone disappeared and it was just the two of us as the sky held waning daylight and approaching darkness. We could see both skies, we could see the moon and the sun. We were watching rotation. We visually saw what we consider time passing before us. I had no idea he was going to propose until the very end. It was our unspoken agreement to never speak of marriage.

Earlier, we found our hotel and when Nick came out with our room key, he said “Ok, it’s room 211.” I shrieked with giddiness. “You are kidding! Something really great is going to happen this week Nick.” I had just before tossed him a penny on heads I found, and when I do that, that means his dad is saying hello. That’s in my head. When I see one, I feel like his dad is gesturing, and I toss it his way. When I see one on tails, I flip it over. I change luck. Someone else can find good luck and smile because I flipped the coin. Small but Big. Looking back I remember his reaction to my proclamation was sort of muffled, he looked white washed.

It was his birthday. 09.29. I, of course, was prepared to do something special for the occasion, so I only realized he was intending to propose at the very end when I could feel his energy. It was intense.

I dropped a tear because of the scene in front of me. I was in a front row seat, in a private (being with Nick is like being alone… which is beautiful to me) viewing of Earth’s magic. Rocky cliffs, a forest behind me, The Pacific Ocean in front of me, waves crashing with white foam, night and day, sun and moon, and a sparkling star or two… this was IT. I dropped my one single tear, and then felt an enormous amount of energy coming from the man on my left. It was as if I could hear his thoughts and I knew it was forever, just as the forever I watched in front of me was known to be. And then, this wonderful man, who felt that no matter where we were, cliff or not, I deserved a proposal on bending knee, got in front of me and did just that. He somehow found room and sturdy footing and gave me the moment. Never mind the plummet into the crashing of land and sea just behind and below him.

I said to him later in the evening, “But this is YOUR BIRTHDAY!”

And he said back to me, in a way that was casual with honesty and unprepared, “You can have it. You can have my every day.”

I have a fairy tale.

And, 2 and 11 are always there, telling me to savor what lies ahead.

Do you know that feeling from childhood when you are so excited you feel as though you cannot physically contain the emotion a second longer? The urge to run in place or just scream through a smile occurs? That is the level of extreme elation I have now. I am finally entering 2011.

I had a lot of running thoughts last night as I rested in bed staring at my Himalayan rock candle. The glow from the other side of the rock looked like a sun on the horizon. The layers of crystals formed a landscape and the burning fire seemed like a miniature sun star.

I have included words like ‘moment’ and ‘time, ‘future’ and ‘past’’ in my written reflections lately and I think about this year’s end, and that prompted my meandering waltz through my mind’s wooded thoughts. I kept following trails until finally I fell asleep.

I was wondering, if we are continuously becoming, allowing ‘time’ to carry us into more moments the following has to be true: What you do is not who you are, what you do is who you were. We are a flicker rolling over sand, right? We cannot stand still in time, we cannot reach the future, we cannot keep up with the present, and the past is no such thing if we only look from our constantly moving view. ‘Time’ is not the variable, it is a constant thing- a nothing really, and we are the variable, rolling across a thing called eternity. ‘Time’ doesn’t move, we do. And ‘space’: If it doesn’t go in one direction, but all- not forward or backward, and ‘time’ doesn’t actually exist- just serves as a measurement for life- and we are a part of this, then this idea of eternity makes sense. A moment is here and then gone, and then here, and then gone, and so on. We are never in one moment and not the next as well. We are not in one time because it does not exist as a field or in one direction. It is, they are, a continuum, lasting forever. Stillness does not exist anywhere, but in the mind, and even then, at no point does a thought not exist in the mind- even if it is of being still. And all thoughts go somewhere. Right?

Then I fell asleep. But it was comforting, the thought of ALL and not forward or backward or now. And ‘now’ is such a funny word. It is the most evolving of all words.

I’m watching the snow melt out the window and viewing both the UGA bowl game and Nick watching it. I get a nice view of his wavy hair from here. I am a bird perched high above my nest. I am comfortable in this nest and eager to fly in the New Year. At this point in 2010 I was in Atlanta, about to move to Edenton. Seems like it should be a longer period of ‘time’. ‘Time’ is so confusing. It is remembered differently and experienced differently and I find myself happier not thinking of it whatsoever. It’s just life and if my intention is to get better in every aspect then the idea of time will always serve me well.

But, in respect to time…

I thank the year 2010. You were full of good things and fun explorations.

I welcome, ecstatically, the year 2011.