Made

Made. The decision... it's made.

The truth is, it almost wasn't a choice at all. When I asked, "What is a cause that is so ingrained in me that I must stand for it?", well, one of those causes is To Care. To even have the debate enter my mind causes me physical pain, mental anguish. I've tried to keep my mouth shut, to turn a blind eye and let the world be, let everything take its course (it never lasts). And to an extent, I do believe in that too. I believe in having the freedom to live without constant dictation. So that makes mine a slippery slope. To do that and also push for behavioral changes in others can be contradictory if not under careful scrutiny.

Here's a story that happened long ago. It tells of how what I am saying now is purely in my nature, not some contrived question and answer segment.

I was in West Virginia with Nick at a tournament. It was the Nationwide Tour's Pete Dye Classic. He liked the course. He finished 2nd one year and the next year I joined him. He wanted to stay with the man he had stayed with the first year he played in the tournament. This is not something Nick did often, choose to stay with someone versus a private hotel room. Well, this man, I liked too, but he puzzled me in some regards. He was/is... I guess it is something you don't completely retire from... a Catholic priest. He often spoke critically of some of the ways he encountered during his priesthood, and this is not why he puzzled me. Because to critically think independently is a positive quality even dealing with religion (and sometimes especially in regards to religion) and I think God would agree, or why else would it be human nature and a driving force behind spiritual growth? I did think about his situation. How could he devote his entire life to something he wasn't in line with on an entire level? But, the pivotal moment from this trip exists with me now. I have often thought back to this instance.

We are in his living room and we are admiring the birds outside in the trees and he is telling me of how he watches them everyday. He then tells me about a time when he saw a hawk knock a little bird off a limb and proceed to pluck it while its talons are piercing the bird and there are awful squawking noises coming from the bird being savaged. He watched the bird be killed and eaten. He said he initially went to help the bird as it was knocked off the limb, but stopped. He said he decided not to interfere with God's world. He said he was going to let nature take its course. And he just witnessed it.

My response remains strong. I haven't changed my position on this one.

I looked at him and honestly felt rage inside. I liked this man over all. He showed us kindness and opened his home to us. BUT. When he told me this I engaged in conversation. My face was red, I could feel my heart pounding inside, as I now do, and I had so much nervous energy in my body that I was almost trembling. I was disgusted. I was repulsed. I was in amazement that this man could watch such a thing and exclude himself entirely as part of "nature". So, I told him so. I asked him, "Do you not think you are in God's world? Are you not part of nature? And if your nature, your immediate response, is to help the one being victimized, why would you not?" He was open to this. He said he had not thought of it that way. We continued. I understood that every creature has to survive. The larger prey on the smaller, the strong on the weak. But, that hawk can eat many things. And HE was in this equation. HE was the larger, stronger, smarter. And he did NOTHING. What if he was supposed to matter in the equation? What if God was watching him and not thinking that he was respecting His Natural World, but being inactive, negligent, passive? What if it was just not caring?

The priest and I were friendly afterward, but I will admit, it was a bit forced on my part because I suddenly felt that we were so different at the core. I didn't relate to his humanity on an important level. I do not want to be a by-stander. If something falls in my path, I will not leave it to others and rely on someone else's good nature or action to help. What I am accountable to is me and what I do and how I act and the difference that makes. I must try my hardest. That is my nature. My nature says, "Shoo, big bird, go eat elsewhere this time." And I pick the little one up and dust him off, put him back on his branch. Whether this is right or not, whether it is God's preference, I do not know, of course. But, it is what my heart says. My conscious screams it and that is the biggest source I have that God gave me to guide me through this life. More than any written word, this untouched, uncompromised compass directs me. I can't ignore it no matter what any other man says or writes. It is my source that I have to rely on. It says "care".

These questions have been in the forefront of my mind since I can remember.

A friend pointed out to me today, "The fact that you are questioning this shows you care." That is paraphrasing. And he is right. I guess one who can turn their cheek and ignore causes does not face the dilemma of having to choose. They ignore that there is a choice from the start.

What I choose to care about comes easily.

I care about the dependent. Those in true need.

I care about animals; domesticated, exotic, wild, endangered. I would bring down a poacher in two seconds flat. I will find a way to help save elephants from being slaughtered for their tusks of ivory and left to rot under a shade tree. I will do something to help reduce the amount of trees cut for palm oil that strips orangutans from their home in Borneo and leaves them starving and dying. I will do something to show hunters that their ways are beneath the animal kingdom. An animal never kills for sport, never kills the biggest, strongest, most beautiful kind of a species (so that it may perpetuate its kind) to beat its chest and hang a head on a wall. An animal kills to survive. Only. I will do something to help with cruelty to domesticated dogs and cats. And any hurt and abandoned creature that has fallen at the hands of man. That is an ugly man. I will not care that it is an animal I choose to concern myself with over a person. The person who acts like a "beast" is one. Worse than one.

I will do something together with all the other people out there that care about earth's creatures and God's beautiful gifts to man.

And. I care about choice. I care about freedom to choose. To live life without dictation. I want to do what I want, when I want, and I want others to be able to as well. I have many concerns on this topic because it is so complex and it is so relevant right now. Corruption, control, manipulation, lying, trapping, the words go on... It is what I will stand up against. Every single time, I will. I'll not drink water "enhanced" with fluoride and lithium "because it is good for teeth and reduces suicide". (What b.s. Show me proof of that over its proven harmful consequences.) I will eat food from places that do not genetically modify what its consumers/citizens eat. I won't walk through that naked radiation device that doesn't even work. I won't believe what they say just because they say it. I won't shop in stores that push for "Report your neighbor" fear-inducing recordings. I will not support any representative that votes for and does not speak out against legislation laced with conflicts of interest, kick backs, earmarks, slide-in undercover laws in bills, cover-ups, and the stripping of our rights. For heaven's sake, there are so many laws now that to have a border around your car's license plate is against the law in NC and you can get pulled over and fined for it. You can be frisked for nothing on some city streets. They are writing legislation that permits technology that sees into vehicles and through walls without consent of the owner. This is easy to stand up against. It goes against every shred of moral and ethical matter and energy that makes me a being. Pretty soon, if we continue to create needless, ridiculous laws to break, we will all be criminals. We already incarcerate more criminals than the rest of the world. What does that say?

I'll risk being annoying. I'll risk being a drag to hang around. I'll risk being difficult and not as much fun as the next girl who talks about shoe sales. It's worth the risk. My opinion of if I am a person worth her salt means more to me. And mostly, because if I don't, I am nothing. If I don't believe in anything, I'm a waste. If I don't do anything about what I believe, I don't matter. If I try, I might help. If I do, then I've lived a life that I can smile on.