Sundays: Bloody? No, thank you.

I almost didn't post this one at all. But, what is this site I've created for, if not for expressing the gritty along with the lighthearted aspects of what I see and think. These entries are an attempt to reflect all the contrasting strokes of what compose a finished, glorious piece of art. The art being life. Life also demands dark moments & thoughts or we would not see the brighter, vivid ones. They would fade and blend into a dull, drab blob of boring.

Here's to the meat of the mind... cheers!

Yesterday:
I've come to the computer to unload a heavy subject. I was in the middle of brewing my French Roast coffee when dialogue pounced on me. It was a frenzy. I meandered down the galley to my salad mixing bowl to dump a heap of walnuts on top of my greens and blue cheese and the banter was still there, working me up inside and I just couldn't get it to go away. So, voila. I'm here. Facing the page where I get to vent my internal feud or ramble on about everyday marvels. This page is my way to usher these emotions out and to a new place.

I have a serene environment here in my casa. It is as usual for a Sunday. Lazy pups lounging around; mug of warm coffee to enjoy regardless of the hour; David Gray, the amazing artist that amplifies the soul's otherwise mute cries with such emotional precision, echoing between brick walls; books in small piles waiting to be read, a candle or two lit and infusing a very faint scent into the room. That's a wonderful scene. I am so proud of this scene I sit in and call my life. That's why when turbulent thoughts rumble through my brain, it disturbs me and I have to put them to rest for this moment.

It pertains to the pile of books, I think. There are three comprising this pile. They are 1917, Russia's Year of Revolution by Roy Bainton; The Russian Century, A Brief History of the Last Hundred Years by Brian Moynahan; and the one I have been itching to read since I picked it up, Night of Stone, Death and Memory in Twentieth-Century Russia by Catherine Merridale. I picked this last book up, read the back, immediately flipped it open and read the first 7 or 8 pages until I had to leave the store and haven't stopped thinking about it. The subject matter is serious and tragic and true- and it is somehow written with beauty. I have read the back to at least three friends over the telephone. I'm telling you, this book is going to be like a slap across the face. These Russians, do you know what they have endured? I will tell you. "During the twentieth century, Russia, Ukraine, and the other territories of the former Soviet Union experienced more bloodshed and violent death than anywhere else on earth: fifty million dead in an epic of destruction that encompassed war, revolution, famine, epidemic, and political purges." Seriously?! How can one not be compelled to at least learn of what has surely taken the Russian spirit and wrangled it, defeated it, and left it for dead. Much like our rodeo, right? But, my love for bulls will surface at another time. This is insane and I must know what leads a society to get victimized like this. This is not ancient history. This is relevant. These people are dealing with this today, in personal ways. This is not just politics. This is infringement.

To give you a fair understanding of why this rattles me intensely, I'll clarify my point of view. What do I hate more than anything else? Someone telling me what to do. I hate it. I'll fight it fiercely. The moment someone tells me what to do when they have zilch, nada, no supremely valid reason, I think "Who are you to tell me what to do? Who gives you the authority to inject yourself into my life?" I think "My soul did not come into this body to live your version of my life!" I am having to hold my written tongue from using nasty language as I write this. I mean, I get irate. Do you know what I think a progressive thought is? "Mind your own business." Yeh, it's that simple. "Don't try and control me. Get a hold of your ego and leave me out of your dictation."

Wow. Heavy stuff. It's just that this controlling, the rules, the conforming; it has always blown my mind. "I should do that and I should do it this particular way... Says who??? Who gets to be appointed so important that they get to make the rules for my life?" This is my thought regarding the Neo-Conservatives I watch with all their so-called wisdom and justifications on all the contradictions they pose. And also toward their counterpart, the Liberals who are basically communists. Radical. It amuses me that neither of these groups are actually liberal thinkers by definition, they are highly intolerant and control freaks. I can pretty much spell my own political beliefs by saying that with everything that I've read so far, Thomas Jefferson displays the most modern mind of all. That is what I see as progressive. So many are trying to march backward in time toward things that have already proven to be devastating and nicknaming this, falsely, progressive. These are all simply my thoughts, my opinions. It is a volatile subject, one that offends others too easily. But, why not speak of it, while we still can anyway? Why not learn about it and talk about it and leave American Idol for the brain dead zombies.

When things like control is what we are debating , fifty million dead is at stake.

It goes beyond conforming of course. But, I would like to take a moment and post this observation. If you consider yourself an individual, of a truly independent mind... Think about if you live that way. Do you call yourself part of this group or that because it's a trend? Do you want to fit in, or save yourself from ridicule by your look-a-like friends? Do you call yourself a free-spirit hippie and dress up to look the part because that's what all your hippie friends do too? Do you live your life one way and then wish to be part of a bigger, cooler crowd, and quote talking points? What do you really think? Most people that protest conformity do their best to project it loud and clear. They pierce every abstract part of their body, tattoo themselves, whatever... you know the exact look I'm talking about. Isn't it funny that they are striving to fit into their non-conformist crowd? They are trying to fit in. Hmmm... isn't that strange, considering that. is. conforming. It's disgusting to observe.

I hope I don't sound judgmental, even though, I know that is exactly how this is coming off, but I hope to God above I don't fit in a group, a stupid cliche'. Get me out of a clique. Let me stand alone on the thought foundations I've spent a lifetime accumulating. I think of what attracted me to my husband. Well, at first, it was because he was magnetically attractive, (hubba hubba) but then, the most important part that grabbed me is that he is a leader. He leads his own life. He does not follow anyone. He thinks and stands on his own ground and he's brilliant about the way he does that. We are highly compatible on our political, spiritual, cultural beliefs; and it is so refreshing to hear new perspectives that are relevant and matter in the world. To ignore any system put in place that dictates how you get to live your life is idiotic. The cheese in the trap? Stupid reality shows, coke, "gladiator sports events",... These appease the masses. Legislation is passed while the public has a big coca-cola pacifier in their mouths. Not saying sports is bad. I love sports. Truly. I love the competition and the devotion it teaches one. I love that it serves as a tool to show someone their own strength, to be a member of a team, and that losing is as valuable as winning; but not at the expense of more important topics on which to be educated. Who's stealing your crumbs off the floor? Who is snatching your rights away?

When artistic, inventive, freely expressive people preach about communism I want to barf. I want to say, all that you are is deleted the moment you create a system like that. Do they actually think they will get to paint all day? Do they think the world will become a utopia? People are not designed to be the same. It goes against the core of the spirit. It is like hammering down your soul. Why does everyone want to be the same these days? Why are some glorifying or even defending this idea of being valued only on one's worth to a particular nation's government?

I am looking forward to reading this Night of Stone, where the author reads actual KGB documents and discusses at length the ideas of communism with those who have lived it. This is valuable to me as opposed to theories written on a page and sold as propaganda to eager college students hoping to impress others as intellectuals. Maybe they are intellectual, these radical lefters and radical righters, but really when it comes down to it... whatever they think is their own right... but don't let it affect me. Don't control me. Stick your nose in that manifesto and paint about it, or squawk on TV about how morally superior and untouchable you are... but harness your "power" to your own life.

Nick is going to read 1917 and I of course, Night of Stone. This Russian history is, after all, woven into Nick's own family. His father was born in Sevastopol and his family left their country during this Revolution. I read his great grandfather's essay on what we all know as Bloody Sunday. It's hard for me to imagine, this kind of family history. But, it is important for me now to absorb what all of this was about and not just the packaged, branded version of it all. It is part of his heritage and that makes it part of me.

I will find that article of his grandfather's and post this entry when I do.
http://www.shsu.edu/~his_ncp/Cass1905.html
Arthur Paul Nicholas Cassini, Marquis de Capuzzuchi di Bologna, Count Cassini; Russian Ambassedor to the USA (last of the old Tsarist regime).

It is possible that many others can think of these topics and not care so much. I am very Aquarius, so I can not, and do not want to be oblivious or content living in the realm of someone else's rules, or even mentally sedated by pop culture. Is this threat of suffocating control not possible? Well, just make sure the next time you take your car to Jiffy Lube, they look under the vehicle for suspicious tracking devices, smile when you stand on the street corner, because someone is watching, and the next time you check your bank account or send an email, already you are not doing so privately... the instances go on and on. Is this all for our own good, for our protection? Or is it a matter of control? Just a question.

The next time you hear someone say, "I'm not doing anything wrong. They can look through my emails, go through my accounts, perform a cavity search all they want. Fine with me." think to yourself about what that really means. Suppose the people searching for bad guys, over time, change what constitutes suspicious behavior. Soon everyone could become suspicious. No one has come up with clear, definitive guidelines on what makes one a target or not. Who is it deciding these things? Who are we giving these powers to? These are people, after all; not a perfect, purely ethical force of nature that will always stay fair and just and resist the power of control. And when one becomes trapped, controlled and has no voice to dispute- it is too late. And be certain, in photographs taken of people who are at mercy to others- they aren't smiling, they look miserable... and there is a distinct absence of piercings if you know what I mean.

p.s. Anybody want to read Night of Stone with me? Probably not. But, if so, let me know. That could be fun.