Down on Wacamaw

Zoom to Earth. Zoom to North America. Zoom to the United States of America. Zoom to Georgia. Zoom to Moultrie. Zoom to a blue house on Wacamaw. Zoom to the kitchen. Here sits me. I’m in my childhood home.

I sit at my kitchen table, clay coffee mug with straw (strange, I know, coffee through a straw) in hand that is painted with a scene that eerily looks like Edenton, my new home. Although it is not French Roast in my cup, much to my chagrin, I am still reflectively sipping and I am thinking of all the new things coming back home brings to one’s mind. It is so much more than just coming back, taking a look around, reminiscing… If you’re lucky you can find the precious gem of an old friend to spend time with and absorb the difference in them between when you knew them and now... But, even then, there’s more going on. When you go back home you are confronted with the reality of your own growth. It’s a complex thing. On one hand, the prospect of walking back into the same scenery with familiar faces is comforting. You hope that it is an easy transition and a friendly reception awaits you. On the other hand you realize that you are not the same person you were when you lived here and left and to be greeted by others as they hold a long ago perception of you may be an uneasy scenario. I once heard that a person realizes how much they have shifted and grown when they come back home and realize they don’t fit. It is true. But, then again, I didn’t have to be told that, it is self-evident. And is it all that bad?

No.

I would guess it is the very reason we are alive- to expand, continue to self create, and navigate our way through life with experience. People often say “You know, they are such a good person; they haven’t changed at all.” And ultimately, that is either not a good thing, or a lie. How does one carry on through life and not change at all? Of course they have changed. Maybe the objective is to express that they are still kind as they used to be kind as well. Or, they are still a funny person in general. Maybe they are blessed and not too many wrinkles jumped upon their face. But hopefully they have changed.

When I come home and realize I don’t fit, it isn’t astonishing for me; I most often feel I don’t “fit” anywhere. And I embrace it. I don’t necessarily want to fit into anything. The idea in itself feels confining. But, I do like to feel comfortable and I do like to share common ground with others, especially ones I have had friendships with before. Even when thinking of my marriage I don’t think of us in terms of “fitting together”. I believe we compliment one another. We challenge and inspire and support one another. But to become “one”… what exactly is that? We are one family, but most definitely two individuals. This is all specific to desires, I realize. Others may connect with the words “become one”, but I feel that if I asked Nick of his thoughts about it he would be in agreement. I want him to be all of one himself. Not half, please. I want a unique individual person to grow with throughout life, but not to morph together into a unity that only thinks the same exact thoughts or operate on a system of one passively obliging the other. Disagreements aren’t always fun, but are crucial at times. I maintain my view, Nick maintains his. We work through it from there, but don’t feel we have to conquer the other’s thoughts… just be fully heard. We usually are in synch with conversation, but it is always pushed to new places that face new positions because we do not resign to purely agreeing with one another. I wonder, how does one feel expressed and known by another if not? And the idea of even being known by another is difficult for me to comprehend at times because I feel as though I, myself, am just getting to know me. I know things about myself, but I have realized I am peeling layers off a soul, I’m continuously opening avenues that expose a vast space I was blind to moments before. ‘Me’ holds many secrets that I get the privilege of unveiling along my life’s way.

Have I wandered off topic?

I did have the experience yet again of realizing my many new thoughts and characteristics when I came home and remembered my old ones. It is delightful once this thought of growth is accepted. It has been an incredible journey. I did find gems during this visit home also. I joined a group of old friends that were my teammates and they have cultivated into such extraordinary people with families and successes. Seeing them made me very happy and the comfort I felt with them, because they are open minded and accepting of so much, was, even though expected, a relief. I think sports may be to thank, as well as the personalities involved. It unites. I was in individual sports all along in childhood, competing solo, but the team we formed was close. We spent long days together and had genuinely fun times and that creates a comfort. I exited the group early. I suppose it was because I had been competitive since such an early age and I was more and more curious about what it was like to actually go home after school, or not have serious obligation… to put it lamely, I wondered what it was like to just be a normal teenager. I wanted a break, a less serious commitment. And, although it does one no good to look back in time- and especially to regret, because I value my position in the now- I do think I would choose to continue on with just a mild break if I were there in that long ago moment now. But, you know where that thought comes from? The change that has created the new me. Interesting isn’t it?

I’m not living near enough to make it home often, but I do enjoy it, especially this time. Even though I feel I am not recognized many times, I understand why. I am so rarely here, why would anyone expect my face. When Thanksgiving roles around and old faces pop up everywhere that’s a different story, of course. But, on a random October Thursday, it stands to reason I’m out of place. The chance that I can run into team mates and friends or drive to Thomasville for a lunch date with one of my dearest friends is what will always drag me back no matter how much I change as a person. It is the people I treasure. Because I talk about physical locations on earth quite a bit and how I think they have different energies that align with a person’s energy, I think it is also important to note that people make a place as well. Powerful component to any sort of happiness: people. The fact that I can claim a friend from second grade as one of my best to this day is priceless.

The adventure of coming home is only hard when one tries to adapt backward. It feels hard because it goes against nature. I am thankful for where I was and I don’t want to go back. I am thankful for where I am now and I don’t want to come back. I want more, and that’s what makes up life. If you find yourself not wanting more of yourself, I think you somehow find a way to die. Seems logical. Why would God create an expanding universe and not expanding souls?

On another note, UGA plays UF today… so… no closing paragraph or explanation needed for hasty departure from page. I am being summoned for pre-game fun.

(Go Dawgs!)