Half Way to Carzy

The funny thing about writing what you think down and pushing the "publish" button is that you are certain all those thoughts will expire and develop into new perspectives and opinions.  Then, with a head full of fresh, changed thoughts you read your old then-fresh thoughts and you think "Geez, I don't believe that at all anymore.  I was so naive, so short-sighted."  Then, if you are like me, you get the shivers because it nauseates you to read the stupid words you produced once upon a time.  You wonder, "Should I erase the stupid words?" And then J.Lo answers the question with one catchy Ben Affleck influenced album title This Is Me... Then.  

Ownership.  Owning dumb thoughts in print is a real downer sometimes.  I was the person I now growl at... it's there, right in front of me to see and read.  I still don't delete it.  And it is because of the same reason J.Lo held her head high after each boyfriend transformation.  It only matters if it is the only thing anyone ever reads.  Life is a progression.  To be truthful, the change I see in my thoughts makes me proud.  I think being a learner for life is a badge.  I don't want to think and believe the same things in twenty years as I do now.  For one thing, the world changes and won't allow it.  That must be for a reason right?  Everything changes, so my thoughts must change too.  That's the way it rolls.  And I don't want to be stuck.  So, if I have to read ridiculous statements from the past to remind myself of the precious value of learning, then so be it.

It still is embarrassing, though.

Things have been busy lately.  I went to Atlanta for a Writer's Conference.  I spent time with family (not enough).  And the entire week since I've been back has been jammed full of golf tournament madness.  Would you like me to elaborate?  Because I will.  No problem.

I'll start at the Writer's Conference.  I must confess that it was my first function of the sort.  I will put it as my professor did when he asked me, "Are you a joiner?  You're not a joiner are you?"  My response was a quick "No."  He said, "I'm not either."  

I don't like to bind myself to big groups of people.  When you are associated with a group and in the group are people that don't represent you in any way whatsoever, it is troubling.  I hate it.  I did join a sorority in college.  But, I remember during RUSH that the reason I picked the sorority I did was because there seemed to be no clones in the bunch.  There were all sorts of girls and they got along.  It seemed like a group of individuals and not a bunch of mimicking gals that you feel like you never get to know because they never show anyone their true self.  So, (and I was a Kappa Delta) I loved my girlies.  The whole variety.  I still do.   

-I'm really having to focus right now to stay on point.- 

The Writer's Conference was quality.  Very interesting.

I only registered for a 3 hour seminar and to attend a panel Q&A due to the timing of when I signed up for the event.  But, it was productive and I met a few wonderful people.  

Can I be completely honest? 

Yes. 

Okay.  I had an odd realization during the event and that was: I related more to the agents than the writers.  I didn't expect it.  I didn't know what to expect but this certainly wasn't the outcome I imagined.

For instance, (and this is excluding the few wonderful people I noted earlier) I witnessed grown individuals acting absurdly desperate and rabid. One guy cornered an agent, a strikingly beautiful and expecting lady.  It was late, she looked like she wanted to call it a night and this guy kept leaning over her speaking intensely while invading her personal space so much that she had to continuously step back.  She got out of the conversation just in time.  She was about four steps from hitting the escalator!  There were several conversations going on similar to this and I was moaning inside because it was painful to watch.  

During the panel discussion I experienced a similar thing.  Complete invasion of space and a conversation I could NOT get out of no matter how hard I tried.  I thought "Where is your third person point of view now?  Don't you see yourself from above?  You are acting like a lunatic."  

To sum it up... It was positive.  I met a few writers that were sweet and interesting.  I met a couple of agents that were fantastic and helpful, one being a contact I can rely on in the near future.  I attended a couple of informative sessions led by agents in the know.  But, the urge to donky-kong-bonk some agent-cornering writers and sweep some of these agents up and take them to safe space was still present throughout.

These eager writers aren't the only people that morph uncontrollably when confronted with people they consider special.  I've seen grown men giggle and squeal, run behind a tree and make an inappropriate call to a friend during a golf tournament... I repeat DURING A GOLF TOURNAMENT, right by the green, where golfers were trying to putt, to say that he just saw Kevin Costner and was acknowledged by a hand gesture.  It was a celebrity pro-am.  Nick was playing behind Kevin Costner, which meant slow play, because so many people want a little piece of personal entertainment and Kevin Costner is nice and obliges them.  The men especially were ga-ga over it.  A joke didn't even have to be funny and they were pouring with laughter over the words.

It's all really weird to watch.

Happens every time.

Next is the car ride home... during which I went half-way to insane and back.  I call that going Carzy.  Do you get it?  Like crazy but CARzy... pretty funny, huh?  I played with my relatively new iphone and video recorded some of the drive.  I have always been a driver that, when going solo, acts absurd.  The longer the trip, the more absurd I get.  So, as I-85 was detoured off the interstate due to the entire road being closed, I decided I should see what the absurdness looked like in case I needed to change it immediately.  At the beginning, I was conscious of myself.  Then, as traffic worsened I forgot more and more about the video and there I went... just being me... ridiculous.  I have five stages of Carzy.  I showed stage two to my parents and sister.  It was SO long that I had to load it on YouTube because I couldn't email it and when I called her a few days ago I heard her kids in the background making fun of me and laughing.  Which made it all okay.  I sacrifice pride for the sake of their laughter.  It took me 11.5 hours to get home and I was initially on track for 8, having made superb time in the first part of the trip.  By the end of the night I was listening to Michael Jackson and talking about how my grandmother's name was Billie Jean and that that was probably the coolest thing I'd ever heard of.  Yep.  Then I said I got turned around because I started going Weast.  Stages 3,4,and 5 are staying in my pocket!

I'm not done, I still have golf tournament chit-chat, but it just so happens that I have to go TO the tournament now. I need to help my husband who has been working day and night and forgoing sleep to make sure it is a success.  So, I am going out too.  It is the first day I didn't start out on the course... but, i.m.m... you are important.  And I am often neglectful of you.  So, I'm splitting my day for two duties.

... I'll be back.