He says, She says

So much. Oh, so much.

First and foremost I have to admit a thing that I hope is contagious and spreads rampant across the land. The chatter. Infectious. Inspiring. Whether on facebook or blog, in person, whatever- it is fantastic. I hope I continue along this path, and also, that I look around and see that it is not the one less traveled. I feel like a child. I feel the excitement and swirling of energy that I remember from childhood. It's growing. Growing is giving me an intense giddiness. I am not a static, flat character in a plot going nowhere. I have opened up, sort-of publicly, with an intention to learn and pursue knowledge about most any and everything but focus on really key issues that are a driving force behind my motivations to live and do it well. I have been on the path, with Nick, our whole relationship, but since the last few years, we have become even more devoted and aggressive with gathering information. He reads fast, talks well, and debates like a champion, especially face to face; he's so calm. I read slowly, but thoroughly, talk pretty well when relaxed or am half a glass into a vodka-tonic, but write better than I speak and process my thoughts in a more pleasing fashion on paper. I am amused by how my husband thinks. His brain amazes me. He retains so much. He reads book after book about pretty complicated subject matter and processes it with understanding, so he collects and doesn't let the information drift through, in and then out again. I am fascinated with what he learns and how. He is an arrow. Sharp, straight to the point, direct, precise and rapid. I am probably more like a shotgun firing its shell. I try and spread out, while remaining focused in one direction, but ultimately taking up more space with bits and pieces of this thought and that one, collectively making a cohesive belief. I am in different parts of the brain at the same time and hope to hit target, take it down, leaving no holes of hypocrisy, no chance of avoiding contact with the truth in the end. My construction of a thought is to send out many, surround, and with synchronicity, come together to the point. His, I believe, is to pull back, gain power, and release it, propelling his mind straight toward the concept and pierce it. So, what I'm saying is, I learn a lot from him, because his brain works differently than mine. He is practical. I am dreamy. He thinks of systems. I think of concept and beliefs. He thinks and processes numbers, facts, figures, sources- quickly and accurately. I am more concerned with what it all means put together and I want a solution and to spend my time on solution-oriented thinking only, taking time to brew and stir and never let up. He is fair-minded to the point of being annoying with it. I think I am fair-minded too, but maybe not as much as he... but I'm not sure I'm the best source on that one, I'd need to ask him if he agrees. He is witty and being Libra can argue very, very well. I am not funny; have a strange sense of humor; what I find funny is not overt, but subtle, witty remarks and expressions; so his humor pleases me enormously, and I, being Aquarius, can argue pretty darn well too. So, we, as the zodiac describes, can use our weaponry to really put on a showdown. Man, do I love it!! We do not submit to one another! Thank God. We do not, nor do we expect that kind of passive behavior, and we both appreciate that quality in one other. It thrusts us into new territory. If I said to my brain, "Make a bird in an artistic way. Capture its intricate nature." I would probably try origami with its complexity and many folds gradually making the intricate bird or oils, using layer upon layer. He would probably say ok, grab a great camera, go into the woods, track down the beautiful, intricate bird and take a photo of it. He would have gone to the source, directly, found the bird. I would have imagined it.

Interesting.

I asked him one day while I was downstairs in the kitchen and he was upstairs in our bedroom (sound travels with no problem in our house), "Hey, Nick. Am I hard to live with?" Silence. Ha. He was thinking 'Oh, shit. This is a trick.' He finally responded, "What? What do you mean hard to live with?" So, I arranged my words a smidgen differently, "Am I a difficult person to live with?"

His answer- "No. Not at all, why do you ask?" (This still surprises me actually, because I think it's hard living with me, myself.)

"Because, I don't think I'm the easiest person. I think I might be difficult to live with."

He said, "Beth, do you think I would rather you be mindless? Easy because you're a zombie?"

Fuzzy feeling in my tummy. He gives me jitters because of that. His way of treating me like I'm precious and special is so very appreciated. His way of treating me like I'm capable, a mental equal, and punching back in the argument arena is appreciated too. He's a handsome guy- in my eyes, he's flat out hot. He's naturally athletic, really good at sports and at using that mind-body connection and the 'zoning out' one has to use to be great at a sport. He's got that. He's good at many, but on the golf course, he is, to me, amazing. I watch in awe. He's confident, poised, intelligent. He speaks several languages and knows every leader of every nation on the top of his head. When I say where is this place or that? He responds with a geographical location, its neighboring countries, a bit about the culture and a bit about the political environment. His brain and our conversations and what I learn from that man is what turns me on and allows our bond to strengthen. We are intellectually and emotionally invested in one another. What beats that? He has good questions and good thoughts and answers. Learning and discussion is the most attractive part of our relationship to me because I find it sexy. Really, really sexy. He owns his mind.

He's at the golf course now. I am home writing. We went to a Christmas party last night that was incredible. We got home at about 2:30 AM and woke up this morning laughing at how crazy everyone was acting at the end of the night. Truly wonderful. It was such a sophisticated party. The decorations were out of this world and they were set in an already beautiful home. It was a featured home on the Edenton Christmas Tour of Homes, and she, the hostess, transitioned from tour to party, and by the time we arrived, the house was full of nicely dressed people happy and buzzing. After the crowd thinned, we, or I, asked permission to invite Jay Z to the party. That was such a welcomed idea that my friend, the host, immediately found him and not two minutes later Mr. Z was rocking the party to a new beat. We spent the last few hours dancing and laughing and acting sort-of stupid. It was so much fun. My favorite moment was when a friend, who is sassy and seductively twirls her hair and really works it when she dances, throwing her head back and laughing as she does, went to the threshold of a door in front of her husband and proceeded to turn, grab the door frame, twirl her hair in a remarkably rock-video-worthy sort of way, and then she flung her head back and arched still holding the door frame. It was really impressive and would have been classic, but her hand slipped suddenly and she busted it. Which was just routinely amusing and normal to all of us drunken friends that were in some alternate world together. Her husband smiled and sweetly reached down to pick her up and said, "Oh, honey, are you hurt?" She looked up, with her chin dipped like she had just fallen from a swing set, and said, "No. Just my feelings." It was such a precious southern accent and drawl and the fact that she admitted her feelings were hurt about it was the cutest thing. My other friend, meanwhile, was cutting loose completely and her new dance, the vacuum cleaner, she somehow managed to make really street-wise and hip. She looked really good doing it. This was accompanied with huge hiccups. "Hiccup." And then Nick would say "Hey (pronounced Haaayeee)" every time she did, so it sounded like a weird remix on the rap song playing. It was all really funny. The polka dotted dog, Delta, was then running mad circles around the rooms. Another friend occupied himself with oldies but goodies like the Roger Rabbit off to the side. And candlesticks had become microphones that transitioned from performance to one-on-one interviews on serious subjects like "Halle Berry or Salma Hayek?" and "In your opinion, is Valkyrie a good movie?" The confusion, inhibition, and overall friendship- priceless. One friend decided to be creepy and half-hide and stalk people that were sort-of strangers to him, all for amusement. Then, he disappeared and I don't know where he even went. I'll have to say- adults, this 30 and over range of people-Waaay more fun that the younger set. The conversation is better, the friendship is solid, and letting loose and having fun is done in down right better fashion.

I guess what I am getting to on this day is that for me, in every instance, it revolves around substance; real conversation, an authenticity of thought and feeling and relating to another, real expression and personality. It makes me feel alive, like I'm expanding and getting more out of life.

Quality.

Food 101

Here's the deal. You have to quit being red or blue. You have to. Because really, it's what is bringing you down. It is bringing us all down. It's a trick. Your best interests are not in the party of the Red Elephant or the Blue Donkey. They actually don't give a hoo hoo about you. They do care about their polls, their votes, their pockets. Does any of that benefit you?

Here is what you do care about, right, in reality: Your family. Your health and your family's health. Your right to own property and create a home. Your right to drink clean water. Your right to eat wholesome food. Your right to pursue knowledge, care, desires. Your right to feel safe in your home, in your state, in your nation, in your world, in your universe.

Happiness. These things bring happiness.

Who is taking those things away or making you fight for them? Why should you have to demand such and why would "they" want to deny you of these basic, understandable essentials in life?

This is a concern.

I have just excused myself from the sofa. My husband sits on it still watching the movie I was watching with him until I decided to leave and come upstairs, where I am engaged in listening, but not visually witnessing the horrors on that screen. Food, Inc. Have you seen it? You would be interested in it. I say that safely, knowing you would, if you care about the above concerns. I can not say that you will get through the movie without an extreme emotional reaction and wanting to vomit.

I got not far into this movie, which is done in excellent fashion, and is of the upmost importance, before I started twitching nervously in my seat. Nick paused the movie. I said "I may not be able to watch this." He said, "Didn't you just read a friend's comment to me about her father stating "If you can't watch it, you need to do something about it? How can you not watch and be informed?" And he is right. I know that. I do want to be informed. I do want to know and spread words that others may not have heard yet. I tried again.

The scene was of a chicken house and in it is a swarming mess. Chickens rolled over on their backs basically gurgling to death under the weight of their enormous bodies that have been engineered to be what the consumers want. We buy white meat. They have huge chests now. They take two steps and plop under the weight. This is a machine. A nasty, cruel machine that tortures animals, slaughters them, feeds them to Americans, which in turn become diseased from the extreme dangers corporate "bigger, better, faster" demands on FOOD. It is disgusting. The lady picked up at least 20 dead chickens, threw them on a tractor, and took off her mask, obviously shaken, and said "This is normal." She defied corporate orders, corporations who in essence own these farmers that are trapped under the weight of debt to these companies. She lost the contract. I assume she feels good about herself now. She stood up to these fat heads. When they showed how they collect them to slaughter, I silently got up, holding my warm cup of coffee that was my only single comfort at the moment, walked to the powder room, shut the door, sat on the floor and cried. The ugly face cry. No control of facial features kind of cry. This was the most disrespectful piece of real footage I've seen in a long time. Disrespectful to you, me, the poor animal used disgracefully, the farmer... everyone BUT the stingy, dirty companies and the politicians that let these companies' interests overshadow our own. Their filthy spirits will haunt us all if we do not say "No! Hell, no, you don't!" Enough.

I do not eat meat so much at all. I stopped eating red meat and pork long ago. (I have never felt better or as energetic. Most people have at least 6 pounds of stuck, black meat in their intestines. The grocery clerk who asked me why everybody had a problem with red meat when she saw my grocery line-up looked like she wished she could take her question back after I told her what her small intestine probably looked like. And btw, where has she been? Has she ever heard of a little organ called the human heart? It made the rule. It is the one who says red meat is a no, no.) I have stopped eating chicken and turkey now too. (I will eat fish and I may eat an egg.) It does not even taste that good when you really stop and think about your taste buds and their message to your brain. It is nothing compared to a grape, a blueberry, or tomatoes simmering in garlic and olive oil. Don't think your tomatoes aren't close to fake now too. It has trickled to everything. Americans are completely disassociated from the reality of their food and its sources. This movie shows it. Watch it, please. Try and get through it and if you cannot watch the crime, listen to it. You owe it to your body, your future and you children's bodies and futures. This is something we can insist on and change. We have to, people. Or we will become a version of human that is distorted and repulsive just like what they are feeding us. They show it clearly. The farm you see on your package... not reality. It's a factory that is shameful. Man-made diseases like diabetes and certain cancers and such, they can disappear if we eat God's food, not Washington's food and Corporation Nation's food. It is not authentic. It is not genuine food.

Go to Italy. Go see food. You will come back and never be pleased again by what an American restaurant puts on your plate.

I went to Italy and my body tingled when I ate. I never gained weight, but shed pounds, because it is not preserved to sit on your shelf and never spoil.

I recently went to the only grocery store in Edenton that carries organic food. The small refrigerated section that supplied my organic eggs and non-GMO creamer and other organics- it is full of energy drinks now. "Gone!" the lady said. Actually, she waved her arms in a nada fashion. I mimicked her and said "What's this? What does this mean?" as I flung my arms around too in disbelief that my section, the reason I don't drive an hour out of town, may be gone. She gave me the reason. "Well, people started bringing their organic milk back. They said it was going bad."

Do you see anything wrong with the psyche in that reasoning?

"America, Hello. I want to tell you a secret. It has been hidden now for many, many years, but it is an ancient wisdom, one that those who lived long ago knew and through the decades, we have buried in the plot of well-being, in the graveyard of truth. Shhh. Listen. Are you ready for these words that will shed light on your way of life?"

"Milk. It's supposed to go bad."

Can you believe this shit? " Mr. Manager, My milk went bad. Here, gimme the kind that don't ever go bad. I don't wanna have to come here for milk again in at least two weeks. Ya hear?"

Stupid. Food rots. Your food is a plant. It will die. Your meat, it WAS an animal. It has died. It will rot. You. You eat shit. You will not only rot. You will suffer along the way because you do not eat the glorious source of life this miraculous planet produces. You eat shit. Quite literally, because those cows, with their big brown sad eyes, and the chickens that struggle to walk, and the pigs that stand crammed so closely they can't move; they stand in shit. It is all over the place. In the factories. Everywhere. On your spinach. Everywhere. This is not farming. This is not food. This will not produce health.

These problems are owned. They are all due to money. They are being transfered. To you. And to me. And to baby Americans. And we are paying the price.

Farming Bills, really Food Bills, are being orchestrated to cut out the local or backyard farmer or the organic small healthy farmer. The integrity is being shut out. This is government corruption. Shame on you, Washington D.C.; shame on you, Tyson; shame on you, Purdue; and the like. Food is a right. It is not yours to own. It is not yours to have power over. And I hope all involved toss and turn at night and their conscious weighs on them as heavily as the chicken they have pumped so full of hormones that it collapses. Let your self collapse under the weight of guilt. You should not have the privilege to manipulate our food. To genetically modify our food. To process everything we put in our mouths. And especially to hide all these things from us because you buy legislators. You sue others, even Oprah, for speaking out against your nastiness? It is a felony to criticize meat in Colorado? That is so beyond corrupt! Surely, we all agree on that!

We have a right to eat pure food. We have a right to speak about that right and demand it. Food and Farmers should never be owned by four or five enormous and grotesque companies. But, that is what is the case right now. And it is showing in Americans, no? Look at the American belly. Enough said.

My husband just asked me, "Are you writing a novel up there?" No. I don't think so. But, I feel like I could right now. My fingers are pounding hard and I have an intense glare and growl going on. Do you know there is more?

There is a major crime going on against you. Your food is being sabotaged.

Water, it's worse.

This is knowledge we deserve and the fact that we have to rely on digging for information shows the motivations behind the action. Kids are deserving. There are people suffering, even dying, over this filth. Demand the supply you want. If that means supporting organic milk, support it. Do something, anything, big or small, whatever.

If the fact that the average American eats 200 pounds of meat a year grosses you out, good! If the fact that these farmers have cows on machines that enable them to stick their hand into the cows stomach and back out, with no concern for that living, breathing creature makes you sad and makes your heart hurt, good! You are officially a decent human being willing to make a difference. The end of the movie plays "This Land was Made for You and Me..." as it scrolls the words, "You can vote for this change 3 times a day. You can change the world with each bite you take. Plant a garden, buy locally, know what 's in your food, cook a meal, eat with your family." Good words. These shouldn't be suggested. These shouldn't be foreign concepts.

I'm doing it. I'm on board.

Here's two tips I have.

1. Quorn Patties. Meatless Chicken. We have eaten them for ten years and serve them to guests too, who ask, "How did you make that chicken? It was good." I love them. Better tasting than a poor chicken. They have them here in Edenton and if they discontinue, I'll panic. I think they are here to stay though because we have many friends hooked on them now too and they are flying off the shelf! That makes me so happy! Look for them- orange boxes, frozen section.

2. Food, Inc.

Here's the summary. Order it on Netflix. You can watch and/or listen to it instantly over the internet. It's an hour and a half. Worth it.

Documentary filmmaker Robert Kenner uses reports by Fast Food Nation author Eric Schlosser and The Omnivore's Dilemma author Michael Pollan as a springboard to exploring where the food we purchase at the grocery store really comes from, and what it means for the health of future generations. By exposing the comfortable relationships between business and government, Kenner gradually shines light on the dark underbelly of the American food industry. The USDA and FDA are supposed to protect the public, so why is it that both government regulatory agencies have been complicit in allowing corporations to put profit ahead of consumer health, the American farmer, worker safety, and even the environment? As chicken breasts get bigger and tomatoes are genetically engineered not to go bad, 73,000 Americans fall ill from powerful new strains of E. coli every year, obesity levels are skyrocketing, and adult diabetes has reached epidemic proportions. Perhaps if the general public knew how corporations use exploited laws and subsidies to create powerful monopolies, the outrage would be enough to make us think more carefully about the food we put into our bodies. ~ Jason Buchanan, Rovi

Bonus feature! Funny story.

I was in Moultrie; my home town; many, many years ago; when I went into the grocery store. I was looking for fish, went to the meat section, and to my delight I saw an ORGANIC MEATS sign. "What? Organic Anything in Moultrie?" I followed the sign with a bit of curiosity because it was above a door. I looked to the left, then to the right, no organic anything. "Hmm. Might it be behind the door?" I walked through the door, looking for something organic to verify this progress. Guess what I found. A dazed butcher. He looked at me; I looked at him. I said, "Where is the organic meat? There is a sign for it and I do not see it!" He said "Oh, uh huh!" Like Goofy from Disney. "That's a joke!"

Deep sigh.

Joke's on you butcher boy. Get a clue.

Made

Made. The decision... it's made.

The truth is, it almost wasn't a choice at all. When I asked, "What is a cause that is so ingrained in me that I must stand for it?", well, one of those causes is To Care. To even have the debate enter my mind causes me physical pain, mental anguish. I've tried to keep my mouth shut, to turn a blind eye and let the world be, let everything take its course (it never lasts). And to an extent, I do believe in that too. I believe in having the freedom to live without constant dictation. So that makes mine a slippery slope. To do that and also push for behavioral changes in others can be contradictory if not under careful scrutiny.

Here's a story that happened long ago. It tells of how what I am saying now is purely in my nature, not some contrived question and answer segment.

I was in West Virginia with Nick at a tournament. It was the Nationwide Tour's Pete Dye Classic. He liked the course. He finished 2nd one year and the next year I joined him. He wanted to stay with the man he had stayed with the first year he played in the tournament. This is not something Nick did often, choose to stay with someone versus a private hotel room. Well, this man, I liked too, but he puzzled me in some regards. He was/is... I guess it is something you don't completely retire from... a Catholic priest. He often spoke critically of some of the ways he encountered during his priesthood, and this is not why he puzzled me. Because to critically think independently is a positive quality even dealing with religion (and sometimes especially in regards to religion) and I think God would agree, or why else would it be human nature and a driving force behind spiritual growth? I did think about his situation. How could he devote his entire life to something he wasn't in line with on an entire level? But, the pivotal moment from this trip exists with me now. I have often thought back to this instance.

We are in his living room and we are admiring the birds outside in the trees and he is telling me of how he watches them everyday. He then tells me about a time when he saw a hawk knock a little bird off a limb and proceed to pluck it while its talons are piercing the bird and there are awful squawking noises coming from the bird being savaged. He watched the bird be killed and eaten. He said he initially went to help the bird as it was knocked off the limb, but stopped. He said he decided not to interfere with God's world. He said he was going to let nature take its course. And he just witnessed it.

My response remains strong. I haven't changed my position on this one.

I looked at him and honestly felt rage inside. I liked this man over all. He showed us kindness and opened his home to us. BUT. When he told me this I engaged in conversation. My face was red, I could feel my heart pounding inside, as I now do, and I had so much nervous energy in my body that I was almost trembling. I was disgusted. I was repulsed. I was in amazement that this man could watch such a thing and exclude himself entirely as part of "nature". So, I told him so. I asked him, "Do you not think you are in God's world? Are you not part of nature? And if your nature, your immediate response, is to help the one being victimized, why would you not?" He was open to this. He said he had not thought of it that way. We continued. I understood that every creature has to survive. The larger prey on the smaller, the strong on the weak. But, that hawk can eat many things. And HE was in this equation. HE was the larger, stronger, smarter. And he did NOTHING. What if he was supposed to matter in the equation? What if God was watching him and not thinking that he was respecting His Natural World, but being inactive, negligent, passive? What if it was just not caring?

The priest and I were friendly afterward, but I will admit, it was a bit forced on my part because I suddenly felt that we were so different at the core. I didn't relate to his humanity on an important level. I do not want to be a by-stander. If something falls in my path, I will not leave it to others and rely on someone else's good nature or action to help. What I am accountable to is me and what I do and how I act and the difference that makes. I must try my hardest. That is my nature. My nature says, "Shoo, big bird, go eat elsewhere this time." And I pick the little one up and dust him off, put him back on his branch. Whether this is right or not, whether it is God's preference, I do not know, of course. But, it is what my heart says. My conscious screams it and that is the biggest source I have that God gave me to guide me through this life. More than any written word, this untouched, uncompromised compass directs me. I can't ignore it no matter what any other man says or writes. It is my source that I have to rely on. It says "care".

These questions have been in the forefront of my mind since I can remember.

A friend pointed out to me today, "The fact that you are questioning this shows you care." That is paraphrasing. And he is right. I guess one who can turn their cheek and ignore causes does not face the dilemma of having to choose. They ignore that there is a choice from the start.

What I choose to care about comes easily.

I care about the dependent. Those in true need.

I care about animals; domesticated, exotic, wild, endangered. I would bring down a poacher in two seconds flat. I will find a way to help save elephants from being slaughtered for their tusks of ivory and left to rot under a shade tree. I will do something to help reduce the amount of trees cut for palm oil that strips orangutans from their home in Borneo and leaves them starving and dying. I will do something to show hunters that their ways are beneath the animal kingdom. An animal never kills for sport, never kills the biggest, strongest, most beautiful kind of a species (so that it may perpetuate its kind) to beat its chest and hang a head on a wall. An animal kills to survive. Only. I will do something to help with cruelty to domesticated dogs and cats. And any hurt and abandoned creature that has fallen at the hands of man. That is an ugly man. I will not care that it is an animal I choose to concern myself with over a person. The person who acts like a "beast" is one. Worse than one.

I will do something together with all the other people out there that care about earth's creatures and God's beautiful gifts to man.

And. I care about choice. I care about freedom to choose. To live life without dictation. I want to do what I want, when I want, and I want others to be able to as well. I have many concerns on this topic because it is so complex and it is so relevant right now. Corruption, control, manipulation, lying, trapping, the words go on... It is what I will stand up against. Every single time, I will. I'll not drink water "enhanced" with fluoride and lithium "because it is good for teeth and reduces suicide". (What b.s. Show me proof of that over its proven harmful consequences.) I will eat food from places that do not genetically modify what its consumers/citizens eat. I won't walk through that naked radiation device that doesn't even work. I won't believe what they say just because they say it. I won't shop in stores that push for "Report your neighbor" fear-inducing recordings. I will not support any representative that votes for and does not speak out against legislation laced with conflicts of interest, kick backs, earmarks, slide-in undercover laws in bills, cover-ups, and the stripping of our rights. For heaven's sake, there are so many laws now that to have a border around your car's license plate is against the law in NC and you can get pulled over and fined for it. You can be frisked for nothing on some city streets. They are writing legislation that permits technology that sees into vehicles and through walls without consent of the owner. This is easy to stand up against. It goes against every shred of moral and ethical matter and energy that makes me a being. Pretty soon, if we continue to create needless, ridiculous laws to break, we will all be criminals. We already incarcerate more criminals than the rest of the world. What does that say?

I'll risk being annoying. I'll risk being a drag to hang around. I'll risk being difficult and not as much fun as the next girl who talks about shoe sales. It's worth the risk. My opinion of if I am a person worth her salt means more to me. And mostly, because if I don't, I am nothing. If I don't believe in anything, I'm a waste. If I don't do anything about what I believe, I don't matter. If I try, I might help. If I do, then I've lived a life that I can smile on.